a lifetime — nothing is left out. You go beyond the people you already know to what you might think of as neutral people — though they're only neutral because you don't know them yet. That might be the barista at your coffee shop, or a clerk at the grocery store. And then eventually even people who are difficult for you. In the Buddhist tradition, ultimately all beings — all forms of life.This is years, even decades of practice. But it's all in service of taking something like kindness and treating it as a skill — something malleable. There are centuries, even millennia, of accumulated wisdom in these traditions on how to do this. That wisdom is in pretty short supply today.
What happens in the brain after just two weeks of practice
Richie
And the science shows that if you take people who have never meditated before and teach them exactly the kind of skill training you're describing — starting with someone easy and close to you, then gradually expanding — but do this for just two weeks, no more than 30 minutes a day, a maximum of seven hours total — your brain can actually change.
We've shown that, and there's other research confirming it. It really doesn't take that much to get these networks in the mind and the brain going — and we often say that's because our inherent nature is actually to be kind to others. Research indicates that even very young infants show a proclivity toward kindness. But it requires nurturing for that to be strengthened, made robust, and extended. That's exactly what this training builds upon.
Just two weeks of practice — no more than 30 minutes a day, seven hours total — is enough to produce measurable changes in the brain. The capacity for kindness is inherent; it simply needs to be trained.
Everyday connection moments: examples from daily life
Cort
That fits perfectly with the meditative view — that it's actually quite easy to make the shift from feeling disconnected to feeling connected. The challenges are twofold. One is simply remembering to do it. Out of habit, we get caught up in our conditioned modes of being in the world and just forget. We're running a script in our minds all the time — and usually it's not the compassion and kindness script. The other challenge is that it's a lot easier to make that switch than to sustain it. So a lot of the practice is almost learning to savor — to stay in that place of connection, to rest in it, to immerse oneself in it.
Even as we're talking right now, I've had these little moments throughout our conversation. People watching have probably been wondering what's over your left shoulder, Richie. Those are katas — white silk scarves, a beautiful tradition in Tibetan culture. When you meet someone, or when someone returns from a trip, or when you're meeting an important person — if you go to meet the Dalai Lama, for instance — you offer them a silk scarf, and they offer one back. That first connection is an act of generosity, where each person gives something to the other.
And I'm guessing those are katas you've received from the Dalai Lama?
Richie
Yes — a small sample of them.
Cort
I imagine you have twenty pounds of them in a closet. But it's a perfect little example of what you're talking about — just as you were speaking, I saw those, as I do every time we talk. Knowing they were likely given to you by His Holiness, I immediately had a memory of seeing you two together — touching heads, the traditional Tibetan greeting — and just the love and affection between you, every time I've seen you interact. It immediately put me in a feeling of connection. Just a moment, not even a deliberate reflection — but it sparked that warmth.
That's an example of just that little shift in perspective — noticing something that elicits warmth, affection, kindness, whatever flavor of connection — and doing that throughout your day. It doesn't require sitting down, closing your eyes, and meditating. It's just that little shift. And over time, as you've often said, it moves from being a fleeting state to a more enduring trait.
Practicing connection in ordinary settings (like airports!)
Richie
One of the things you mentioned, which I think is so important, is that this is a very simple prescription — and yet we often forget to do it when we get caught up in the activities of daily life. So the question becomes: are there things in your daily life that can serve as natural reminders?
For me, one always-helpful reminder is eating. We all eat — typically a few times a day. That's an opportunity. One thing we can do when we eat is simply reflect on all the people it took to have fruit on our plate, and allow a sense of appreciation and gratitude for being able to have food that sustains us. It also helps us experience a sense of interconnection. It's a simple connection practice we could do every single day, just in our own mind — takes a few seconds.
Another example: I travel a lot for work — I was just in New York this week. Changing planes in the Detroit airport, rushing from one gate to another, I remembered: here I am in the airport — this is my laboratory for connection practice. Everyone around me is also stressed, getting between planes. Just looking at them, recognizing that they're the same as me, wishing them to be happy, to be free of suffering, sending a little smile. And if there's an opportunity to help — taking someone's luggage and putting it in the overhead rack — you do that. Those are the kind of everyday moments that, done regularly, really do add up.
The Science of Perception
The perception of loneliness vs. actual isolation
Cort
It's amazing. As many of you who've listened before know, I struggled with a lot of social anxiety early in life. I have vivid memories of being surrounded by other people and feeling totally alone. And there's really interesting science behind this — often it is the perception of loneliness and disconnection that's more predictive of important mental health outcomes than the more objective reality of how many people you're physically surrounded by.
Someone observing me at those moments might have said, "He's surrounded by people — his friends, people he knows and likes. He must be feeling very connected." But I wasn't. I felt profoundly disconnected, even in college surrounded by people I knew. I've also had experiences of being completely alone — long periods of solitary retreat, sometimes not talking for months, not seeing anyone for extended stretches — and felt profoundly connected.
The external circumstances aren't totally irrelevant — they also matter. But how we feel about our situation may be the most important thing. And what you just shared — the airport story — is a perfect illustration: so often we move through life absorbed in our own inner world, lost in our thoughts, loosely connected to what's going on around us. The shift is suddenly opening up to all the connections we already have — to everything around us, or even beyond our immediate surroundings, like the people who prepared our food. So it's not even that we're getting connected — we're just realizing that we already are. That's the big shift.
"It's not even that we're getting connected — we're just realizing that we already are." The practice isn't creating connection from scratch. It's learning to see what's already there.
Science on subjective vs. objective measures of connection
Richie
To frame this as a scientific question: is it the subjective experience of social isolation or connection that's the key determinant, or is it actual physical proximity to others?
Cort
Like how many people you meet and interact with in a given day?
Richie
Exactly. And the research is mixed. There are some studies that clearly find it's the subjective experience that is the key determinant. The big meta-analysis by Holt-Lunstad on loneliness and premature mortality showed that the effects on increased mortality among people who are lonely or socially disconnected occurred independent of which measure was used — so these effects seemed to be present across different ways of measuring the construct. We don't fully understand it yet. Part of it may simply be a measurement issue. Sometimes people assume that scientists studying loneliness all share a common understanding of how to measure it — but that's still very much an evolving area of science in its own right. Some of the disagreement in the literature may at least partly reflect differences in how these constructs are measured.
Closing Reflections
Why social connection is a public health imperative
Cort
So fascinating. I think one thing we can all agree on is that this is an incredibly urgent public health need right now. The scale of social disconnection — individually, but also between different groups, cultures, countries, political factions, religions — the list is long, and the suffering it creates is tragic. This may be one of the most urgent things to work on in our era. The fact that there are ancient practices that can widen the circle, that can loosen the rigidities of disconnection — this is not a luxury. It's a necessity for us as a species. Any final thoughts?
Final reflections: small practices, big impact
Richie
I very much agree that it's an extraordinarily urgent problem of our time. And I'd add: changing it is easier than we think. By doing these little things — sprinkling them through our daily life and doing them consistently — the research shows, and our experience as practitioners confirms, that it really can make a difference.
Cort
So important, Richie. A wonderful discussion. Hopefully all of you listening found something of value here, and we hope to see you soon for another episode of Dharma Lab. Take care.
Richie
Thank you.
This is years, even decades of practice. But it's all in service of taking something like kindness and treating it as a skill — something malleable. There are centuries, even millennia, of accumulated wisdom in these traditions on how to do this. That wisdom is in pretty short supply today.
What happens in the brain after just two weeks of practice
Richie
And the science shows that if you take people who have never meditated before and teach them exactly the kind of skill training you're describing — starting with someone easy and close to you, then gradually expanding — but do this for just two weeks, no more than 30 minutes a day, a maximum of seven hours total — your brain can actually change.
We've shown that, and there's other research confirming it. It really doesn't take that much to get these networks in the mind and the brain going — and we often say that's because our inherent nature is actually to be kind to others. Research indicates that even very young infants show a proclivity toward kindness. But it requires nurturing for that to be strengthened, made robust, and extended. That's exactly what this training builds upon.
Just two weeks of practice — no more than 30 minutes a day, seven hours total — is enough to produce measurable changes in the brain. The capacity for kindness is inherent; it simply needs to be trained.
Everyday connection moments: examples from daily life
Cort
That fits perfectly with the meditative view — that it's actually quite easy to make the shift from feeling disconnected to feeling connected. The challenges are twofold. One is simply remembering to do it. Out of habit, we get caught up in our conditioned modes of being in the world and just forget. We're running a script in our minds all the time — and usually it's not the compassion and kindness script. The other challenge is that it's a lot easier to make that switch than to sustain it. So a lot of the practice is almost learning to savor — to stay in that place of connection, to rest in it, to immerse oneself in it.
Even as we're talking right now, I've had these little moments throughout our conversation. People watching have probably been wondering what's over your left shoulder, Richie. Those are katas — white silk scarves, a beautiful tradition in Tibetan culture. When you meet someone, or when someone returns from a trip, or when you're meeting an important person — if you go to meet the Dalai Lama, for instance — you offer them a silk scarf, and they offer one back. That first connection is an act of generosity, where each person gives something to the other.
And I'm guessing those are katas you've received from the Dalai Lama?
Richie
Yes — a small sample of them.
Cort
I imagine you have twenty pounds of them in a closet. But it's a perfect little example of what you're talking about — just as you were speaking, I saw those, as I do every time we talk. Knowing they were likely given to you by His Holiness, I immediately had a memory of seeing you two together — touching heads, the traditional Tibetan greeting — and just the love and affection between you, every time I've seen you interact. It immediately put me in a feeling of connection. Just a moment, not even a deliberate reflection — but it sparked that warmth.
That's an example of just that little shift in perspective — noticing something that elicits warmth, affection, kindness, whatever flavor of connection — and doing that throughout your day. It doesn't require sitting down, closing your eyes, and meditating. It's just that little shift. And over time, as you've often said, it moves from being a fleeting state to a more enduring trait.
Practicing connection in ordinary settings (like airports!)
Richie
One of the things you mentioned, which I think is so important, is that this is a very simple prescription — and yet we often forget to do it when we get caught up in the activities of daily life. So the question becomes: are there things in your daily life that can serve as natural reminders?
For me, one always-helpful reminder is eating. We all eat — typically a few times a day. That's an opportunity. One thing we can do when we eat is simply reflect on all the people it took to have fruit on our plate, and allow a sense of appreciation and gratitude for being able to have food that sustains us. It also helps us experience a sense of interconnection. It's a simple connection practice we could do every single day, just in our own mind — takes a few seconds.
Another example: I travel a lot for work — I was just in New York this week. Changing planes in the Detroit airport, rushing from one gate to another, I remembered: here I am in the airport — this is my laboratory for connection practice. Everyone around me is also stressed, getting between planes. Just looking at them, recognizing that they're the same as me, wishing them to be happy, to be free of suffering, sending a little smile. And if there's an opportunity to help — taking someone's luggage and putting it in the overhead rack — you do that. Those are the kind of everyday moments that, done regularly, really do add up.
The Science of Perception
The perception of loneliness vs. actual isolation
Cort
It's amazing. As many of you who've listened before know, I struggled with a lot of social anxiety early in life. I have vivid memories of being surrounded by other people and feeling totally alone. And there's really interesting science behind this — often it is the perception of loneliness and disconnection that's more predictive of important mental health outcomes than the more objective reality of how many people you're physically surrounded by.
Someone observing me at those moments might have said, "He's surrounded by people — his friends, people he knows and likes. He must be feeling very connected." But I wasn't. I felt profoundly disconnected, even in college surrounded by people I knew. I've also had experiences of being completely alone — long periods of solitary retreat, sometimes not talking for months, not seeing anyone for extended stretches — and felt profoundly connected.
The external circumstances aren't totally irrelevant — they also matter. But how we feel about our situation may be the most important thing. And what you just shared — the airport story — is a perfect illustration: so often we move through life absorbed in our own inner world, lost in our thoughts, loosely connected to what's going on around us. The shift is suddenly opening up to all the connections we already have — to everything around us, or even beyond our immediate surroundings, like the people who prepared our food. So it's not even that we're getting connected — we're just realizing that we already are. That's the big shift.
"It's not even that we're getting connected — we're just realizing that we already are." The practice isn't creating connection from scratch. It's learning to see what's already there.
Science on subjective vs. objective measures of connection
Richie
To frame this as a scientific question: is it the subjective experience of social isolation or connection that's the key determinant, or is it actual physical proximity to others?
Cort
Like how many people you meet and interact with in a given day?
Richie
Exactly. And the research is mixed. There are some studies that clearly find it's the subjective experience that is the key determinant. The big meta-analysis by Holt-Lunstad on loneliness and premature mortality showed that the effects on increased mortality among people who are lonely or socially disconnected occurred independent of which measure was used — so these effects seemed to be present across different ways of measuring the construct. We don't fully understand it yet. Part of it may simply be a measurement issue. Sometimes people assume that scientists studying loneliness all share a common understanding of how to measure it — but that's still very much an evolving area of science in its own right. Some of the disagreement in the literature may at least partly reflect differences in how these constructs are measured.
Closing Reflections
Why social connection is a public health imperative
Cort
So fascinating. I think one thing we can all agree on is that this is an incredibly urgent public health need right now. The scale of social disconnection — individually, but also between different groups, cultures, countries, political factions, religions — the list is long, and the suffering it creates is tragic. This may be one of the most urgent things to work on in our era. The fact that there are ancient practices that can widen the circle, that can loosen the rigidities of disconnection — this is not a luxury. It's a necessity for us as a species. Any final thoughts?
Final reflections: small practices, big impact
Richie
I very much agree that it's an extraordinarily urgent problem of our time. And I'd add: changing it is easier than we think. By doing these little things — sprinkling them through our daily life and doing them consistently — the research shows, and our experience as practitioners confirms, that it really can make a difference.
Cort
So important, Richie. A wonderful discussion. Hopefully all of you listening found something of value here, and we hope to see you soon for another episode of Dharma Lab. Take care.
Richie
Thank you.