The Paradox of Success 

A paradox, by its nature, is a contradiction, often absurd, that expresses a possible truth.

“Leaders in all fields suffer from the paradoxes of success: with heart breaking frequency they feel that the costs of their victories outweigh the rewards. Their power often leads to arrogance, isolation and stagnation.” (The Paradox of Success by John R. O’Neil)

O’Neil states that, “the more I studied, the more apparent it became to me that the greatest problems of any leader lie deep inside the psyche – in territory often called the shadow.” Physiologist Jung calls it the “dark side” of man. 

Reflection Questions -- 

• Can you think of any other examples of contradictions / paradoxes as defined above?
• Depression, arrogance, isolation, and stagnation are not considered positives in our culture. Why are most leaders reluctant to deal with these “shadow” problems?
• Can an organization/company change to help its leaders deal with the “dark side” or is this best handled by the leaders in their own private life? Why? 

Confidence

“Success demands confidence. A positive self-image is an immeasurable asset, but even a normally healthy ego can easily become inflated on a diet of mythic success. If all we hear are messages of praise and flattery, the swollen ego comes to crave ever more applause, more good news, and shuts out any hint of things that may be done wrong. If we become convinced that we have nothing more to learn, ignoring errors that could provide valuable lessons are disregarded or covered up instead. So confidence gradually turns into a dangerous sense of infallibility. (Think of the leaders of American’s auto industry dismissing those “funny little cars” from Germany and Japan.)” 

The dark side of confidence is infallibility.  

Reflection Questions -- 

• Do you have any personal experience with a lack of confidence? Explain. 
• What’s been your experience with overconfidence?
• How should one deal with the (paradox infallibility) shadow/dark side of confidence? In the face of success, how do you still be aware of and sensitive to your vulnerabilities? 

Dedication

“Success calls for dedicated sacrifices of leisure time, recreation, and energy for family and friends. Such sacrifices are understood to be temporary; one day there will be enough success to pay loved ones back, get back into shape, and devote time to a cherished activity. But an appropriate level of dedication can easily be subverted into workaholic behavior, leaving you hopelessly stuck in a quagmire of obligations, compulsions, and prideful stubbornness.” (The Paradox of Success, John O’Neill) 

The paradox (dark side) of dedication is workaholic behavior -- workaholism. 

• What experience do you have with workaholic behavior? 
• How much work is too much? Can we count on dedication to produce success?
• Instead of being driven by success, should our dedication be driven by self-perceived responsibility to: company, boss, clients, wife, or family? If not, what should be the root source of dedication? 

Control 

Typically, successful people value control – over both externals and themselves. Hands-on management, decisiveness, attention to detail, and a comprehensive understanding of one’s business are all useful disciplines for gaining success. Yet the drive to maintain success can turn control into inflexibility, a compulsive grip that chokes off initiative and adaptation. In large organizations, sound principles of uniformity and risk management can turn into mindless regulations filling massive policy manuals. (The Paradox of Success John R. O’Neil) 

The paradox (dark side) of control is inflexibility.

• What has been your experience with control in business?
• How do you feel about control in relationships?

Alertness

Success requires alertness – the capacity to scan widely, to spot both opportunity and trouble from a distance. But full-spectrum alertness can gradually degenerate into a narrow focus on what looks good at the moment. This is fed by opportunities that promise quick profit, and by the filtering of information as it ascends the corporate pyramid. To truly serve success, alertness must operate over a broad band, picking up danger signals as well as attractive ones. (The Paradox of Success) 

The dark side paradox of alertness is narrow focus. 

• How have you experienced this tension between alertness and narrow focus in your life? 
• What practices help you see the bigger picture, of your own life and work, and of others? 

Some more notes -- 

• Long Distance Leader: He coined the term "the long-distance leader" for the individual who, armed with self-awareness and the courage to confront and accept the "shadows" of their lives, was capable of becoming, in John's term, "shadow lighters." It means going inside and working on our stories, on what we believe is true, and accept both the junk and the jewels, and holding space to transform it.

• Shadow:  Perhaps the single greatest danger of success is that it encourages us to overlook or discount the darker sides of ourselves. Four key areas in which shadows thrive: Power, Money, Relationships and performance. 
  • The inflated ego crowds out perspective and judgment, so we develop a dangerous sense of invulnerability. 
  • It feels good to be admired, but it’s only a short way from there to envy and resentment. Some of the most successful execs have the deepest-rooted insecurities.     
  • When we depend too heavily on any one source for our sense of self-worth, the ego becomes easily threatened and defends itself even more aggressively. To be whole is the definition of health. When we deny parts of ourselves, we are not whole. 
  • People on the road to success often put the physical self in the shadow, and a neglected body will eventually cause all sorts of mischief. 
  • Each of us has an inner voice that speaks of the gold in our shadow. It is the voice of our secret, hidden self—our most authentic self in many ways. If we listen, this voice can give us information essential to our continued growth and sustained success. Too often it is drowned out by the clamor of an overly busy life. 

• Net worth ≠ Self-worth : Too often possessions substitute for deeper measures of self-worth. When our self-worth is bound to our net worth, we are condemned to living on the surface and can value ourselves only according to how often value our material success. 

• Watch out for these signals - 
  • Is your calendar saturated with important dates? 
  • Is competition your primary mode of interacting with others? 
  • Have the trappings and symbols of power become crucial to your self-definition? 
  • Do you overextend or abuse your natural talent? 
  • When you find yourself stuck, do you invent all sorts of external reasons? 
  • Has the need for control and the exercise of power become a desperate and depleting game? (If you have a compulsive need for control, unaccepted feelings of powerlessness are part of your shadow) 
  • Are you sometimes flooded with negative emotions that surprise you by their intensity? (Anger is one of the emotions most likely to indicate shadow issues that need to be addressed) 

• Power and Hubris: Hubris can be understood as the ego becoming swollen with success. Don’t discount the delights of power that lubricate the slide into hubris.  
  • A key element of hubris is the belief that every moment must be used, that our worth lies in our productivity and our aptitude for using time. 
  • Hubris appears when observation fails. Balancing decisive action with observation and introspection is essential to long-distance winning 
  • If you are a true lifelong learner, falling into hubris is impossible, for in the excitement, humility, and gratitude of continuous learning, hubris has no room to grow
  • Truth-bearing friends aren’t welcome in Hubris Country. Many people on the fast track don’t devote the necessary time to establishing intimate associations, and very few of their relationships develop to the point of trust. 
  • Paradoxically the summit of success is fertile ground for the shadow to grow in. It is where we are most vulnerable to hubris, and thus a dangerous place to linger too long.

• “Doing” and “Being”? Unfortunately, what we value tends to be frantic activity rather than stillness, society rather than solitude, and accomplishment rather than contemplation.  

• Can “Work” be joyful? -- Our public image and need for control become a straightjacket that inhibits the spontaneous expression of joy and other emotions. But we can change ourselves gradually to reexperience the surge of energy that makes our work a playground rather than a prison. 

• Introspection and community: 
• Examine your own strengths. List those qualities you feel have been most responsible for your success and then ask yourself what their shadow side is or might become. 
• Luckily now, there is a growing trend toward defining success in terms of a balanced life. You can find inspiration and community if you seek.  

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